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Constructive criticism, help!? Okay my story is kind of romantic fantasy, but no vamps and it does get action packed at the climax. Here is the plot
The protagonist, Gracelynn Daniels, has just moved to LA from Scotland and is confused about her new life. Soon she meets this guy from next door, called Zeph. They have an instant connection, as if they have known each other their whole life. They soon get really close and can't get enough of each other but there is something really mysterious about the situation.
When strange happenings start, Gracelynn asks Zeph if he thinks it's weird. Zeph, feeling guilty, reviles the truth, that he is a fallen angel. He explains that in 1000B.C there was a land called Talabus and that there lived many 'mythical' creatures i.e. angels, succubae, wicca and sirens and that these kinds of 'people' may not love humans as they are too below them. Zeph however had a passionate romance with a mortal called Delilah. She wanted him to kill the Siren Loralei (Gracelynn in a past life) and collect her voice so that she could induce it and become the Siren, allowing them to be together legally. When Zeph goes to meet Loralei regularly, to gain her trust, he realise he loves her, something much more that he and Delilah had. Delilah notices that this is true and blackmails him by saying that she will tell King Tobias that he raped her, something strictly forbidden. If she did, his soul would be wiped and would never be the same person, he feared that Loralei would never love him again. Zeph gives up, and seduced Loralei to weaken her then stabs her through the heart and encloses the voice inside a locket. King Tobias finds out about Zeph killing Loralei and falls, Delilah drops to the pits of the underworld to Hades and Talabus sinks to the murky pits of the Ebony Ocean.
In modern times, Zeph says Delilah (now a succubus) is trying to kill Gracelynn for the damage she caused, and wants revenge. Initially Gracelynn leaves Zeph as she believes he is insane. She soon is confronted by Delilah and begins to believe him and they are together again, more in love than ever. This drives Delilah's wild determination to breaking point, with a big battle at the end. What will happen?!...
The sub plot through the book is that Gracelynn's cousin Channelle wants to be with Zeph and tries to sabotage the relationship (just so teens have something to kind of relate to).
Here is a little snippet from when Gracelynn and Zeph meet...
It was that guy.
Gracelynn flicked her layers out of her sleep deprived eyes as she was on the verge of apologising, but a strangely safe capture left her stuttering. Her head slid down in embarrassment as if she were swimming through the most delectable of honey.
‘I guess you’re the Daniels guy? Grace?’ he asked with an inviting tone.
‘Yes, well no actually. Kind of. There are two different answers you see. Yes, I am Miss Daniels, but my name is Gracelynn, you see you forgot the Lynn part’ Gracelynn attempted to regain some control and respect that she hoped he possessed for her by sounding matter of fact, but could feel it continue to drip away with her obvious façade.
‘Ah sorry about that, nobody’s perfect. I’m Zeph Ellis. It’s nice to meet you Miss Daniels.’ His gregarious yet sultry voice almost dropped Gracelynn into his tempting embrace. She looked as though she would fit just perfectly.
He cupped Gracelynns almost perfect face, which had fallen again to her feet, as he lifted it toward his five-foot-twelve stature. Fear secretly spread through every limb in Gracelynns body as Zeph lent toward her cheek. The two stuttered during the brilliant moment as the as they were encased by chattering bodies. He sighed tenderly into Gracelynn’s ear, ‘Come with me. Maybe me can get rid of these posh idiots?’ A smile had burst itself onto her face and even though she was uncertain, she wanted to follow anyway and took grasp of him.
He guided her toward a quiet piece of grass that was beside a tranquil pond. As he indicated to Gracelynn to sit down, he asked sincerely, ‘So you’re Scottish? I recognised the lovely accent.’
‘Yeah. From Aberdeen actually. I’m guessing you’re English?’ Gracelynn responded comfortably. The situation felt much better without the onlookers.
‘Why yes, one is from Kent.’ Zeph spoke in a false, aristocratic English accent and motioned flamboyant arm waves. The two allowed small ruptures of giggles come out. ‘No, don’t worry, I am not posh. So, does your boyfriend Devon back there know you’re with a hansom catch like me?’ He questioned candidly, looking up toward the blaring sun.
‘He isn’t. Why do you ask?’ Gracelynn choked with shock but in secret she loved the fact he asked subliminally if she were single.
‘No specific reason. I’m just nosy like you are. You know when you stared in my room while I was wearing no shirt. Didn’t think your boyfriend would be too happy about that?’ Zeph divulged teasingly. | | be careful using greek mythology (hades etc) without learning about it all. also, you have a lot of conversation. he said this, she said that, paragraph after paragraph. theres a lot you could cut out without losing any content. and make sure youreprecisee about what youre trying to get across. too much happening leaves the reader dizzy. simplify. anyway i think you could have something there underneath the chaos. i recommend finding an online (or actual book) about paragraph structure and storyline building etc. i bet you could find one easily on google. | Do you like my name list ? Girls
Jennifer Faith
Lily Ocean
Jessica Grace
Ebony Rose
Gemma Louise
Emily Georgia
Boys
Oliver James
Corey Lee
Noah Kai
Lewis Mason
Thanks :) | | Corey Taylor look nice then Lee | Just one of my many poems...? As I look out at a misty, foggy ocean…I wonder about what death feels like…Are souls released from this world, full of misery…to end their suffering? Is it a blessing of eternal rest? Or is it a misfortune? When I'm gone, and my soul is somewhere…drifting across the ebony skies…Will he even care if I'm gone? Would he be depressed? Or would he be emotionless? There is only one way to find out, for tonight is the night, that I will breathe my last breath…and as the blood from my wrist drips down…if he was right their, would he stop me from my suicide? Would he just let me die? Or would he save me, and say that one day, he will love me again? I'm going to miss this world, but I'll never miss all the misery, and regret that came with living…Goodbye,….I'll be with you in my eternal rest…
its not good, but im only 11...lol please give me your honest opinion...also, about the "...." i changed it...but i was lazy...so i just coppied my old one..lol | | uh yea jus dont do any thing stupid there are alot of people out there and yea good vocab but try sumthing a little lighter and try to find some one to confide in and let them help you eith your problems | Do you think this poetic? On a wind swept
under a clear sky and a full moon
She dance to the sound of ocean.
Her movements
were elegant and graceful.
her long ebony hair flowed
like silk in harmony with the wind,
The out line of her womanly from
was visible through white lace
she was a goddess, her moonlit skin
like marble shorn,
Her eyes were as green as jade
They imprisoned mine
and her smile beckoned me near,
without words we kissed
The warmth of her body
contrasted the night
and sent shivers through me
My heart beat quicken beneath
her touch, In the heat of passion
we abandoned our clothes,
Soon we were lost in the ecstasy
of physical love, our naked body’s
entwined to write poetry in the sand.
| | it's ok | What would you like to ask? On a wind swept
under a clear sky and a full moon
she dance to the sound of ocean.
Her movements
were elegant and graceful.
her long ebony hair flowed
like silk in harmony with the wind,
The out line of her womanly from
was visible through white lace
she was a goddess, her moonlit skin
like marble shorn,
Her eyes were as green as jade
they imprisoned mine
and her smile beckoned me near,
without words we kissed
The warmth of her body
contrasted the night
and sent shivers through me
My heart beat quicken beneath
her touch, In the heat of passion
we abandoned our clothes,
Soon we were lost in the ecstasy
of physical love, our naked body’s
entwined to write poetry in the sand.
| | pretty | What do you think of this poem I wrote when I was 13? The Key -
There once was a young maiden,
With a Key close to her heart,
Against her breast it laden,
She wore it on a chain,
Around her milk white throat,
Her name was Elaine,
She kept that Key safe for many a long year,
For it was the Key to her heart,
It was a beautiful Key,
Made of black Ebony,
She treasured it above all else,
For it was the Key to her heart,
Over the years many a young lad came knocking on her door,
Hoping to obtain her black Ebony Key,
For she had become a great beauty,
With dark auburn hair that fell to her waist,
Emerald green eyes in which your very soul could be embraced,
And skin smooth and pale as fresh milk you might taste,
But she ignored all her eager young suitors,
She was waiting for True Love to give her Key,
That was her destiny,
But True Love never came,
No matter how patiently she waited,
So she gave her Key of black Ebony to a different lad,
Which im sure he was very glad,
In return he gave her a ballad he had written just for her,
It was scented with myrrh,
But she had picked the wrong lad,
For he was fickle and vain,
And the very next month he had found a maid he liked better than Elaine,
Having no more use for the Key of black Ebony,
He threw It off a cliff into the raging sea,
Where it sank down to rest on the ocean floor,
Her heart broken Elaine impulsively went to follow her Key of black Ebony,
At the bottom of the sea,
Where she came to rest eternally,
And missed it when True Love came to walk past her garden gate,
Forever Forgotten Now Lays The Key Of Black Ebony At The Bottom Of The Sea. | I wish that I could show you the poems I wrote when I was twelve but I have lost them all. Mold, mildew too many moves... they are history,
Interesting to look back isn't it?
now, are you still writing?
or is this a trick question?
It was an interesting poem, | Who killed JFK, was it god? Was he the second gunmen? OR jesus, or both. or none. or 4 of them
or 16 people in white robes and pointy hats
What about the panthers and the Ligers, what happened to JFK and the pandas
Seventeen monkeys drank orange juice and were enlightened.
The wheels on the bus go up and down
2 is the loneliest number we will ever know
i saw the sign that said caution, death is awesome
4 turtles swam into the ocean and the swam to the center and they swam to the other side and were not turtles anymore...The were Artists and Kung Fu masters
Splinter came from Wood and wood is sacred...Do you know Wood...do you have woood
woooooooooooooood
WoWOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
mahogany, oak, pine, maple, ash, ebony
WOOD
Woody, wood wood wood
I see wood | | hi. don't take offense, but you might be bipolar (manic/depressive). might want to get some help... | Is my writing any good? Asked this a while ago, but got no answers. Is my writing any good? I'm desperate! ? Please review my work! I'm desperate! It looks long but it's really not!
Sorry for my other post, which somehow got messed up. Here is the new, good one. Please give each piece a _/10 rating please!
Storm over the Sea
Rain sprinkled into the ocean like salt from a salt shaker. Waves charged at the shore like ranks of an army, bellowing savage war cries. The hordes of ocean battalions hurled themselves onto the sand, then receded and prepared for their next assault. The pulses of water plowed over a small ebony island in the distance.
The curve of the Earth and the gray sky blended to form a melancholy azure. The clouds that reigned over the water were dull as iron, yet sullen and formidable. As time wore on, rain descended in torrents, bombing the ocean with miniscule seeds of water.
Flocks of seagulls swarmed the shallows, scoping out prey for their young. They snared their targets and ascended to the heavens, until they vanished into the heavens. The sky appeared to be one, colossal cloud.
When the wind’s whistle degraded to not but a placid sigh, the waves serened themselves. The clouds parted and brilliant radiance streamed upon the ocean. Now the waves were tame ripples that licked the shores of the land. The dandelion-yellow sun smiled its jubilee upon the sea, which had changed moods in minimal time.
More gulls soared above the ocean water, admiring its endless expanse and conquering beauty. At last the ocean gleamed lustrously, emanating an air of peace and joy. It has completed Nature’s cycle, and prepared to repeat the process of weather alternations once again.
Rain Storm’s Dominance
The glowing orb of effulgence suspended in the ocean-blue sky, which was also occupied by cumulus clouds. The white clouds sluggishly swam in the sky, paying no mind to the sweeping grasslands below them. But Nature’s hand was not idle: the cycle of weather was repeating again.
In the distance loomed ominous clouds, which patrolled the heavens gradually. The paved their way through the sky, demolishing clouds that rebelled their presence. As the two forces battled, the dark clouds unleashed a bellow: a roar that chilled the blood and clenched the heart for a split second.
The dark clouds effortlessly consumed the others, and the presence dominated the whole of the sky. With no white clouds to resist them, they traversed the sky and veiled the sun’s luster.
Now that the dark clouds tyrannized the terrain, they mustered their forces. They were silent, although they occasionally released a rumbling growl. The clouds initiated their assault by peppering the shadowed grasslands with rain. Its strength grew, and soon curtains of rain showered down.
The clouds unleashed their constructed rage by thrusting bolts of blinding electricity downwards. The strikes abruptly pinched the ground, which ignited crackling flames. The clouds seemed to defeat their own purpose though, for the rain swept down and extinguished the fire.
As more lightning crashed, strings of reports rang throughout the land. The thunder rolled and smashed, shattering the sky with a boom! and another snap of lightning. The land and sky endured hours of commotion, until the dark clouds grew weary. Their downfall was steady.
First, the rain slowed and eventually ceased. The lightning no longer exited, and the clouds shouted their weak and desperate cry of defeat. The clouds disintegrated, allowing the sun’s brilliance to prevail over sky and earth. The last wispy remnants of the clouds shrunk to nothing, subdued by Nature’s power.
Nature allowed the sun to gleam over the land, enjoying the happiness it brought. The rain clouds had been vanquished, their depressing forms replaced by puffy, white ones. But however much bliss the sun supplied the land, Nature had a responsibility to fulfill. She began working on the next step in her beautiful cycle.
Illusions of Happiness
We beings
can find happiness
in various places.
Some find it in wealth,
through expansive amounts
of money.
Some find it in power,
through the ability to
rule others,
and force them to do
their bidding.
Some find it in fame,
through others’ adoration
and devotion to them.
Some find it in beauty,
through health and
lovely physical appearance.
Although sometimes,
happiness, just like everything
else in the Universe,
is not but an illusion.
A simple illusion which
deceits most of us.
For greed snares opportunities
at pure happiness:
it forces our desire
for wealth, power, fame, and beauty
to escalate,
and twists it like a washrag.
Wealth conquers contentment,
and molds it into extensive lust.
And even when we are
satisfied,
greed deceives us,
and makes us unhappy,
until our sanity
is snuffed out.
Power becomes overwhelming,
and takes control of our
senses and awareness.
It is then that foolishness
forces us to become ignorant.
Fame is similar to power.
Power is similar to fame.
Either is obtained when
one is possessed.
And the consequences of fame
is equal to that of power.
And what does physical appearance
bring us?
Compliments? Smiles? Others’ devotion to
look like you?
These things will force you
to strive for
more, and more, and more,
until you destroy yourself
in your epic quest for
joy,
which was just an illusion.
Which of these best suits
you, dear friend?
Wealth, power, fame, or beauty?
Why not seek true happiness?
Look past the magician’s cunning tricks,
and search for happiness
that can only be found within
yourself and others.
True happiness
can be found by giving
elation to others.
To drop a quarter in a donation box,
to participate in a Walk for
Cancer, or Hunger, or other struggles.
But are these obstacles illusions as well?
Can someone who is starving,
or is pained by a disease
find true happiness also?
Anyone can find true pleasure,
but only if they wander
down the correct path.
Sometimes simple things are
where pure happiness is
found.
Like sitting ‘round a
crackling, welcoming fire,
surrounded by
brothers, sisters,
aunts, uncles,
grandmas, grandpas,
cousins,
mothers, and fathers.
Or a simple stroll down
a beach in the evening,
as the setting sun casts the clouds into
amalgamates of
orange, yellow, pink, and purple,
with the rippling waves
tickling your toes.
So I leave you with this
vague question:
Where will you find happiness?
Will you find it in
wealth,
power,
fame,
or appearance?
Or will you choose happiness through
bliss in unfortunate others,
family and friends,
or tranquil sanctuaries?
As said,
happiness is sometimes
an illusion,
and only the wise can truly
find inner bliss,
and elude the Illusions of Happiness.
| oh my god! your writing is excellent! great job!
and I'm telling the truth no lie[:
good job! | Which Stories Should I Write? I've got three story ideas I really like, and I need help picking one.
The first is called Selkie:Call of the Sea. Here's the blurb:
Selkie O'Sheena is different. She knows it, her father knows it, and her 'friends' know it. Whilst other teenage girls like pop music and boys, she prefers turtles and whale songs.
But no-one knows exactly how different she is, except her mother, and she died four years ago. So Selkie finds herself alone in Siren Bay, her seaside home.
But as Selkie turned sixteen, strange things have begun to happen to her. She finds she has a strange connection to the animals that live in the ocean, and keeps hearing whispers in the water.
Selkie, or anyone else, never realized the connection she truly has with the sea, or what it could mean...
The second is called Ebony (I need a better title. Any help?). Here's the rough draft of the blurb:
Ebony Litheera is fourteen, and an orphan. Her entire life is devoted to Oliver and Violet, her five-year-old brother and sister. The Litheera guyren are in the care of the Bevan's, where they are treated cruelly, like servants. Ebony is always in trouble for sneaking downatairs at night to hide in the pages of her book of fairytales. She tells Oliver and Violet marvellous stories when they're sad, that Ebony makes up herself. She knows they must keep their spirits up, because someday, somehow, things will change... won't they?
The third is called Sober and Straight. Here is a rough draft of the blurb:
Alesha is an alchoholic. She knows it, and tries in vain to fight it, but the drink has become a part of her life, and she accepts that. Until Stephan.
Stephan brefriended Alesha when no-one else would, and is determined that he, and the new lov they have discovered in each other, will make Alesha sober and straight.
Basically, it's a (possibly heartbreaking) account of a girl's struggle with alchohol.
I'm going to write all of them eventually, but which ones should I write first? And I need a better title for Ebony? | The one about Selkie would be good for 8 to 12 year olds, unless you add some depth then it could appeal to the teen generation.
You need to develop Ebony more, it just seemed like a very rough outline, i cant really decide based on that
Sober and Straight sounds pretty good, and it sounds like a challenge to write if you haven't experienced her struggle yourself, i'm doing something similar, not with alcohol, but it is a struggle. So i'd continue that one if you have the dedication and conviction to make it work. | Is my writing any good? ? Sorry for my other post, which somehow got messed up. Here is the new, good one. Please give each piece a _/10 rating please!
Storm over the Sea
Rain sprinkled into the ocean like salt from a salt shaker. Waves charged at the shore like ranks of an army, bellowing savage war cries. The hordes of ocean battalions hurled themselves onto the sand, then receded and prepared for their next assault. The pulses of water plowed over a small ebony island in the distance.
The curve of the Earth and the gray sky blended to form a melancholy azure. The clouds that reigned over the water were dull as iron, yet sullen and formidable. As time wore on, rain descended in torrents, bombing the ocean with miniscule seeds of water.
Flocks of seagulls swarmed the shallows, scoping out prey for their young. They snared their targets and ascended to the heavens, until they vanished into the heavens. The sky appeared to be one, colossal cloud.
When the wind’s whistle degraded to not but a placid sigh, the waves serened themselves. The clouds parted and brilliant radiance streamed upon the ocean. Now the waves were tame ripples that licked the shores of the land. The dandelion-yellow sun smiled its jubilee upon the sea, which had changed moods in minimal time.
More gulls soared above the ocean water, admiring its endless expanse and conquering beauty. At last the ocean gleamed lustrously, emanating an air of peace and joy. It has completed Nature’s cycle, and prepared to repeat the process of weather alternations once again.
Rain Storm’s Dominance
The glowing orb of effulgence suspended in the ocean-blue sky, which was also occupied by cumulus clouds. The white clouds sluggishly swam in the sky, paying no mind to the sweeping grasslands below them. But Nature’s hand was not idle: the cycle of weather was repeating again.
In the distance loomed ominous clouds, which patrolled the heavens gradually. The paved their way through the sky, demolishing clouds that rebelled their presence. As the two forces battled, the dark clouds unleashed a bellow: a roar that chilled the blood and clenched the heart for a split second.
The dark clouds effortlessly consumed the others, and the presence dominated the whole of the sky. With no white clouds to resist them, they traversed the sky and veiled the sun’s luster.
Now that the dark clouds tyrannized the terrain, they mustered their forces. They were silent, although they occasionally released a rumbling growl. The clouds initiated their assault by peppering the shadowed grasslands with rain. Its strength grew, and soon curtains of rain showered down.
The clouds unleashed their constructed rage by thrusting bolts of blinding electricity downwards. The strikes abruptly pinched the ground, which ignited crackling flames. The clouds seemed to defeat their own purpose though, for the rain swept down and extinguished the fire.
As more lightning crashed, strings of reports rang throughout the land. The thunder rolled and smashed, shattering the sky with a boom! and another snap of lightning. The land and sky endured hours of commotion, until the dark clouds grew weary. Their downfall was steady.
First, the rain slowed and eventually ceased. The lightning no longer exited, and the clouds shouted their weak and desperate cry of defeat. The clouds disintegrated, allowing the sun’s brilliance to prevail over sky and earth. The last wispy remnants of the clouds shrunk to nothing, subdued by Nature’s power.
Nature allowed the sun to gleam over the land, enjoying the happiness it brought. The rain clouds had been vanquished, their depressing forms replaced by puffy, white ones. But however much bliss the sun supplied the land, Nature had a responsibility to fulfill. She began working on the next step in her beautiful cycle.
Illusions of Happiness
We beings
can find happiness
in various places.
Some find it in wealth,
through expansive amounts
of money.
Some find it in power,
through the ability to
rule others,
and force them to do
their bidding.
Some find it in fame,
through others’ adoration
and devotion to them.
Some find it in beauty,
through health and
lovely physical appearance.
Although sometimes,
happiness, just like everything
else in the Universe,
is not but an illusion.
A simple illusion which
deceits most of us.
For greed snares opportunities
at pure happiness:
it forces our desire
for wealth, power, fame, and beauty
to escalate,
and twists it like a washrag.
Wealth conquers contentment,
and molds it into extensive lust.
And even when we are
satisfied,
greed deceives us,
and makes us unhappy,
until our sanity
is snuffed out.
Power becomes overwhelming,
and takes control of our
senses and awareness.
It is then that foolishness
forces us to become ignorant.
Fame is similar to power.
Power is similar to fame.
Either is obtained when
one is possessed.
And the consequences of fame
is equal to that of power.
And what does physical appearance
bring us?
Compliments? Smiles? Others’ devotion to
look like you?
These things will force you
to strive for
more, and more, and more,
until you destroy yourself
in your epic quest for
joy,
which was just an illusion.
Which of these best suits
you, dear friend?
Wealth, power, fame, or beauty?
Why not seek true happiness?
Look past the magician’s cunning tricks,
and search for happiness
that can only be found within
yourself and others.
True happiness
can be found by giving
elation to others.
To drop a quarter in a donation box,
to participate in a Walk for
Cancer, or Hunger, or other struggles.
But are these obstacles illusions as well?
Can someone who is starving,
or is pained by a disease
find true happiness also?
Anyone can find true pleasure,
but only if they wander
down the correct path.
Sometimes simple things are
where pure happiness is
found.
Like sitting ‘round a
crackling, welcoming fire,
surrounded by
brothers, sisters,
aunts, uncles,
grandmas, grandpas,
cousins,
mothers, and fathers.
Or a simple stroll down
a beach in the evening,
as the setting sun casts the clouds into
amalgamates of
orange, yellow, pink, and purple,
with the rippling waves
tickling your toes.
So I leave you with this
vague question:
Where will you find happiness?
Will you find it in
wealth,
power,
fame,
or appearance?
Or will you choose happiness through
bliss in unfortunate others,
family and friends,
or tranquil sanctuaries?
As said,
happiness is sometimes
an illusion,
and only the wise can truly
find inner bliss,
and elude the Illusions of Happiness.
| | why yes, what lovely personification =-] |
|